The post I didn’t want to write

Today, I am heartbroken. I woke up this morning, ready to my last five days before the Marine Corps Marathon, a plan that was in the works since February. When making the bed, I felt ‘something’ in my back – and not a good something. It was reminiscent of when I hurt my back four years ago and was basically not able to move normally for three weeks.I started to cry, some from the pain, but so much more from the fact that my dream has come to a different conclusion. I may not be able to run on Sunday. And if by some miracle I can ‘run’ the marathon, it will be much more walking with minimal, very slow running. I may not even be able to finish in the 6 1/2 hour time limit.

I’ve been a mess all day, grieving the loss of my dream, my expectations, the true results of my hard work for the last six months.My doctor said she would do everything she could to get me to the start line on Sunday, and that I should think positively because not all is lost. My physio said the same thing. But again, even if I get to the start line, I may not make it very far, let along finish. And if I finish, it will be a time that is not reflective of my effort over the training period.

I’m utterly devastated. This whole afternoon will be spent crying on and off, I can already tell.

All the hours spent running, all the shoes I’ve gone through, all the money I’ve spent on this trip. All the people who donated to my fundraising, all those who believed in me and said so by contributing. My husband, who accepted weekly long runs in stride and supported me throughout. I feel like I’m letting people down. I hate that feeling. I hate that I can’t complete this journey the way I wanted to. It’s out of my hands. I’m doing my stretches and pool-walking as instructed. I’m icing my back and taking it easy. I have two more physio appointments before I leave for DC. I’m doing what I can to get to the start line. I am thankful I have a doctor that understands how important this is to me, and she wants me to be successful. I’m appreciative of a physio who also understands and is trying to ensure she does the best job possible to help me get back to ‘more normal.’ I’m thankful for friends who are messaging me, dedicating runs to me, praying for a quick healing. I’m thankful for a husband that tells me he’s still proud of me even if I don’t get to run on Sunday.

I just wanted to let you all know. I’ll definitely post whether I end up running or not, but for now, it’s very much up in the air. So if you are so inclined, please do say a prayer for me so I can finish what I’ve started. Thank you.

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15 thoughts on “The post I didn’t want to write

  1. please don’t think anyone is disappointed in you! you know that I have pain often and I understand not being able to do everything that you want to do. it happens. just be grateful that this is just a temporary setback. you will be back at it when you can. plus I see the miles you have already run as a huge accomplishment!

    still SOOOOOOOOO proud of you!

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  2. Hey girl, it’s the heart that counts! Run or not run, you are a winner. Stuff happens and I have all the faith in the world that your time to shine will come. Thinking of you! Steve

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  3. Sorry to hear this. I ran MCM as my second marathon in 2009 even though I had an IT band injury during training. When I got injured, I felt so many of the same things–I had booked plane tickets, told my friends I was doing this race, had my family there to support me—UGH! I decided to just go with it and was able to run the first 10 miles, then walked quite a bit. I popped a few Aleves (knowing that running hurt but wasn’t really going to hurt me) and was able to jog to the end. I was focused on getting in under the finish cutoff, and I did. Of course I was disappointed with my time, but most people who asked me about it were just impressed that I had finished the marathon. Take care of yourself these next few days, and listen to your body. And if MCM isn’t your race, then it looks like you’ve got the next one planned. You can piggyback all the work you’ve already done for that one.

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    • Thanks for the encouraging words. I’m trying to not jump ahead of myself too much. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow, the Thursday, then Friday, etc. I do very much wanted to do this one, finish strong & be really proud of my effort. Now it just looks like I’ll be happy more with a start & a finish. It’ll work out how it is meant to, I guess.

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  4. You are absolutely the hardest on yourself. Nobody else will think those negative things that are going through your own mind. If someone ran over your foot while you were walking to work, would you beat yourself up like this? It’s the same thing with these darn random injuries! I definitely relate to your feelings right now. I’ve got an injury that I’m not sure will allow me to finish the race and a lot of money invested in the whole thing. I guess there is a little peace in accepting that it’s all out of our hands now right? Good luck and I hope somehow it doesn’t turn out as bad as you think.

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  5. Sorry to hear this so close to your race, that is awful…really hope that it works out and you are able to go and finish the race. Hopefully you can also take some positives out of making it through training and know that the prize race will be there very soon. Best.

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    • Thanks for the message. I’m just crushed. I’ve been working so hard, running long runs in 100-degree temps since May and just felt like I could do really well at this first race. Sometimes things don’t go as planned, unfortunately. I’m not overly optimistic that I can make it to the start line on Sunday, not with the way I feel today, but who knows. Maybe my physio has magic hands and can make it happen. I have 3 more races this year, so I’m hoping that I can still do all of those (half in Richmond, full in Tulsa and half in Cayman). The biggest disappointment with not running MCM and shifting my first full to another location (aside from the fact that I still won’t be in my best shape like I was yesterday at 8am), is that my husband won’t be there. I just really wanted him there. He has been my rock throughout this process and I wanted to thank him with a great race. So he’ll just have to hopefully see it in some pictures instead. I’ll let everyone know what the eventual plan is for Sunday and beyond.

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  6. Pingback: Marine Corps Marathon: I DID IT! | Robyn Runs the World

  7. Pingback: ‘It’s not how you run. It’s how you run your life.’ | Robyn Runs the World

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